


This Love

by lorenisnotcool



Series: Drifting [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Eating Disorders, M/M, More tags to come with later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:29:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2691269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenisnotcool/pseuds/lorenisnotcool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a summer apart, Dean tries his best to fix his relationship with his best friend. However, Cas isn't as forgiving as Dean thought he would be. Will their thirteen year friendship be broken apart by one night over four months ago?</p><p> </p><p>Third installment of my Drifting series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Almost Lover

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I'd like to thank everyone who read the first two parts in this series and have stuck around these past few months while I struggled to write this third part. You guys are all awesome.
> 
> Thank you all for staying with me! I hope you enjoy this first chapter.

Two months into his first semester and he and Cas still haven’t talked. Besides their conversation the night he moved in, they haven’t said a single word to each other. How does he even start a conversation with the best friend who hates him? He tried apologizing that first night, but Cas was still pretty angry – understandably so. Dean did say some pretty terrible things to him. But it’s been almost four months since they had an actual conversation; couldn’t they just sit down and work everything out?

No, of course not. That’d be way too simple. Dean would probably have to prove how sorry he was with outrageous acts of love. He would probably have to walk all over campus embarrassing himself to get Cas to forgive him.

_Two months ago_

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas. Oh my god, you’re alive.” Dean said in shock.

“Yes. I see you’re doing well. Congrats on getting in.” Cas turned away and walked towards his side of the room.

“Where have you been these past couple of months? I’ve been going crazy trying to call you! You’ve talked to all of our friends, and even my family, but not to me?"

“Why do you think that is, Dean?” Cas turned back towards him, sitting on his bed.

“I don’t know, to put me through some sort of punishment?”

“Dean, we were friends, best friends, but the moment something happens in public you make a big deal out of it. Not to mention you called me a ‘fucking faggot’. Did you really expect me to forgive you?” His brow furrowed.

“We are best friends. We talk about it and then we make up. That’s what best friends do.” Dean’s voice suddenly got weaker.

“Best friends don’t turn into homophobic dicks the minute their secret is out in the open.”

“Cas-”

“Castiel.”

“No… don’t you do that. You are not shutting me out again.”

“Why? Do you think deserve forgiveness? You don’t deserve anything, Dean. You were supposed to be the one I could trust but all you did was turn your back on me the minute people started judging you. I don’t want someone in my life that can’t be happy with my life choices.”

“Cas, you know I don’t judge you for liking guys.” Dean walked slowly to Cas’ side of the room.

“Yes, you do. Stay on your side of the room.” Dean stopped walking. “I can live with us being roommates for the rest of the semester. Requesting a new one will be too much paperwork. If you stay on your side of the room and don’t touch anything of mine, then we’ll be fine. Please don’t pretend like we’re still best friends. We can request a roommate change after finals. Can you do that?” Cas’ eyes hardened.

“Yeah. I can.” Dean nodded and walked to his side of the room, sitting down on his desk chair. He could be silent for four months.

_Present_

Halloween was next week and Cas actually had plans. He really thought college parties were just in the movies, but it turned out they were actual things with a lot of drinking, loud music and way too many people. In the whole two months he’d been there he’d only been to one party, which was something he really regretted. Somehow, he ended up all the way across town with no shoes and half of a donut. He didn’t have a way back to his dorm besides walking, and considering it was four in the morning and none of his friends were even close to waking up, he was forced to call Dean.

Keep in mind while he still didn’t like Dean, he didn’t hate him. He had thought about telling him good morning or to have a good day, but why should he? Dean hasn’t proved he should be forgiven or talked to. The word around campus was every party Dean Winchester went to he had hooked up with a guy or was at least dancing with one. Of course he was. It’s college and Dean can do anything he wants with no real consequences since no one here knows him besides Cas. It was stupid.

Four months ago, Dean wouldn’t so much as hold hands with another guy out in public and now he’s at parties having sex with them? It’s like he’s doing this on purpose just to get to Cas. That had to be the reason. He wanted Cas to know that he’s “changed” and can handle being seen with another guy. That wasn’t gonna be enough. Having sex with a guy isn’t a relationship, it’s hooking up. That’s what Dean knows, that’s all he knows. He doesn’t know how to have an actual relationship with anyone, let alone another guy. He hasn’t proved anything yet.

So, he made plans with a few people he met in his Chemistry class. The drive-in theater downtown was showing classic horror movies from nine p.m. until three a.m. They were going to meet there and watch shitty horror movies all night.

Kinda like he and Dean used to.

Should he invite Dean?

No, Dean probably already made plans. Plus, these were Cas’ friends, not Dean’s. If he met them it’d be just another reason for Cas to run into him. He already had him in his History class and lived with him, for God’s sake. They didn’t need to share friends. He was sure Dean had his own group of friends. He had to have made some friends by now.

Cas walked into their room where Dean was hunched over a book with headphones in. It was their history book and he was taking notes. Except he was dating it wrong. Okay, so he didn’t like Dean, but he wasn’t going to let him fail the test in two weeks all because of an incorrect date.

“That should be 1867, not 1864.” He pointed to the paper, causing Dean to jump.

“Holy shit, I didn’t even see you come in.” He took his headphones out, “What did you say?”

“The year is 1867, you wrote down 1864.” Cas gestured to the paper and went over to his bed.

“Oh. Thanks.” Dean looked down at the paper and rewrote the date. He looked back to see Cas laying on his back, reading a book. He put his headphones back in and started going over the material again before realizing he had no idea what he was doing in this class. He failed the first pop quiz because he can’t memorize dates for shit. He can remember names, but the professor was all about dates and what era was this and yadda, yadda, yadda.

“Do you know of any good tutors for the history class?” He asked suddenly.

“The tutoring center in library probably has some.” Cas replied without looking away from his book.

“Right. Okay.” This was going to be a long semester.

* * *

 

Halloween came around faster than expected. Cas finished all of his midterms besides his history midterm, which wasn’t until Monday. He studied all this week and felt good about it. He was looking forward to hanging out with his friends and not studying. He came out of the bathroom and grabbed his coat from where it was slung over his chair. Dean was at his desk going over his history notes… he couldn’t still be studying, could he? He was probably just looking them over before he went out. That sounded good. Cas headed out the door before Dean’s voice stopped him.

“I take it you have some cool party to go to tonight?” He had a grin on his face.

“Uh, no. I’m just going to go watch some movies with my friends.” Cas replied, “Are you going out to a party?” He questioned, eyeing Dean. Torn up jeans weren’t exactly Dean's definition of party attire.

“Nah, I have to study for the midterm on Monday.” Dean shrugged, tapping his pencil against his desk.

“You’ve been studying all week for it; I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Cas tilted his head a bit. Dean was good in school; it shouldn’t take him this long to learn the material.

“I failed the quiz the tutor gave me, so I’ll be studying all weekend until I memorize this material.” Dean ran his hand down his face, “But you have fun tonight. Try not to get home too late.” He gave a small smile and went back to looking over his paper.

“Yeah, okay.” Cas hesitated before leaving the room. Why did he feel so guilty leaving him behind?

**~*~*~**

“Okay, what’s up? You haven’t paid any attention to the movie the entire time we’ve been here.” Ruby asked. They got to the drive in almost two hours ago and all Cas could think about was Dean. Dean, who was sitting in their dorm room and studying his ass off because he was scared of failing. Cas knew he could help him study or find an easier way so he wasn’t stuck memorizing a piece of paper for the next six days, but no, here he was trying to go out and have a good time and everyone knew he was distracted.

“I’m just… not feeling well. I think I’m going to head back to my dorm.” Cas stood up from the blanket he was sharing with Ruby and her boyfriend.

“Alright, feel better.” She gave him a sympathetic look, “Text me tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course.” He gave a small smile and walked back to his car.

**~*~*~**

Dean was woken up by someone putting something over him. A coat, maybe? He sat up and nearly head butted whoever was in front of him. His sight cleared and he saw Cas standing there with his eyes wide gripping a blanket. “Cas?” Dean muttered sleepily.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just trying to make you more comfortable.” He set the blanket down on top of Dean’s legs.

“What time is it? Aren’t you supposed to be watching a movie?” Dean looked to his side and saw his book and paper still lying out. “Shit, I fell asleep studying.” He ran a hand down his face.

“You should rest. You can always study tomorrow.” Cas sat at the end of Dean’s bed. His comforter was soft. Sorta fluffy. Not like the one he had at his house, this one was better.

“No. I have to get this stuff down or else I’m gonna flunk the class, and I really don’t have time to flunk because then I’ll have to retake it next semester and-”

“Dean.” Cas cut him off. “Go to sleep. I will help you study tomorrow so you won’t fail.”

“No, Cas I can’t-”

“Dean, it’s fine. I want to help. Just get some sleep. Please.” Cas patted his leg and walked over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of pajama bottoms and gray shirt.

“What happened to your movie?” Dean questioned.

“Uh,” Cas paused, he can’t tell Dean he came back to check on him. “They weren’t playing properly. Something with the sound.” He shrugged and walked into the bathroom to go change.

Dean yawned and grabbed his book, putting the papers inside of it, and getting up to put everything on his desk. Cas was right, he should sleep. He hadn’t had more than three hours in the past week. He shut his desk lamp off and took off his jeans and tossed them in his hamper before grabbing a pair of sweatpants from his dresser. He hoped tomorrow Cas was still willing to help him study. He crawled into bed just as Cas came out of the bathroom. He heard Cas’ bed creak as he got under his sheets and settled into bed.

“Night, Cas.” He muttered into the darkness.

“Goodnight, Dean.” Cas replied.

Maybe they were getting somewhere.

**~*~*~**

“Okay, so, what were the anti-federalist papers?”

“Old white dudes bitching about stuff.”

“Dean.” Cas sighed. They had been studying for a good four hours now, and Dean had pretty much everything down. He just needed a couple of more questions and he would be perfect.

“I’m right, though. Both the federalists and the anti-federalists are just really old white guys complaining about America and saying, ‘thou, thee, four score and seven years ago.’”

“That last one was actually Abraham Lincoln.” Cas chuckled.

“Can’t we take a break? I’m starving. All I’ve eaten is this stale popcorn.” Dean grabbed the empty bag and tossed it into the trash can. He leaned back on his chair, hitting the edge of the desk.

“Fine. Go get something to eat.” Cas waved his hand towards the door and stood up from his bed to grab his laptop.

“You don’t wanna come with?” Dean asked.

“Not really. I need to e-mail one of my professors a paper anyways.” Cas sat down at his desk, opening his laptop.

“That’s fine, I’ll wait.” Dean grabbed his jacket, shrugging it on.

“No, you’re hungry. Go ahead and go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I can wait five minutes, Cas. My stomach isn’t going to digest itself in that amount of time.”

“Dean, really. Just go grab you a pizza or taco. I’m okay.” Dean paused as he realized what Cas was doing.

“Are you not eating again?” Cas stiffened at the words.

“That’s none of your business.” He resumed typing up his e-mail.

“You’re not, are you? When was the last time you ate?” Dean crossed over to where Cas was sitting.

“Dean. Stop.” Cas didn’t look towards him, just kept his eyes focused on the computer screen. Maybe if he was silent long enough Dean would just leave.

“No, we’re going to talk about this. When was the last time you ate, Cas?” He waited for the answer but Cas kept typing. “Fine.” Finally, Cas thought. Dean slammed the laptop down, barely missing Cas’ fingers. “Cas, tell me when you last ate.”

“I was writing my e-mail, Dean!” Cas exclaimed.

“I don’t give a shit! You can retype it later, now tell me.” His eyes hardened.

“No, it is none of your business to know when my last meal was.” Cas pushed himself back from the desk, standing up. Dean grabbed his wrist so he wouldn’t move.

“It is my business, you’re my best friend, and I need to know these things.” Cas jerked his arm away from Dean.

“It stopped being your business the minute you made me leave that party.” He walked out the room and left Dean alone, once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with the sad news, the second chapter won't be out for a couple of weeks, I'm at the end of semester and have papers and projects due. I wanted to get this out as soon as I could. So I hope you enjoyed! You can keep track of my progress under the YCBHDS tag on tumblr!


	2. Latch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd, all mistakes are my own. Please leave comments, kudos, and let me know if there are any mistakes! Enjoy!

It starts off with a good morning. Whenever they see each other leave for classes. It ends with a good night and repeats the next day. Next comes the how was your day. How are finals? I kinda miss the snow in Kansas. Any plans for thanksgiving? It's them starting over. Cas'll say hi to Mary when she's on speakerphone. Dean doesn't comment on how Cas' family never calls. Finals are over faster than they expected. They both pass all their classes. Dean shows Cas his A- in history and they celebrate with breadsticks and hot wings. 

Christmas is the following week and Dean already has his plane tickets. (His parents said he can’t drive because it'll take too long for him to get there.) 

"Are you going home for Christmas?" Dean asks one afternoon while he's packing.

"I don't exactly have a home to go back to." Oh yeah Cas and his mom weren't exactly on speaking terms anymore.

"Course you do. You have my house." Dean flashed a smile.

"No Dean, you should go spend time with your family." 

"Cas, we've known each other since we were kids. You're family too. We'll buy you a ticket and you can show up as a surprise." 

"I dont think-"

"Get your laptop and go look up tickets Cas. My mom will be ecstatic to see you. She hasn't seen you since-" Dean paused, "Well you know. Plus Sam and Dad will be happy. Just go get a ticket."

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Cas is hesitant. This is the longest conversation they've had in a month. Now Dean is supposed to bring Cas home with him for Christmas.   
  
"I don't mind. Plus my dad finally changed the game room into a guest room so you'll have your own room and bed."  
  
"Well it would've been nice of him to do that last year so we didn't have to share a bed." Cas joked as he pulled his laptop out.  
  
"You loved sharing a bed! You're a cuddle bug, admit it." 

"No Dean. That's you. I would've loved to sleep in my own bed in my own room."   
  
"Well you have one now, so don't worry." Dean's tone came off harsh. Cas didn't mean to sound rude or ungrateful.

"Dean I didn't mean it like that. I was joking."

"I know. I'm gonna call my parents and let them know someone is coming back with me so they can make sure the room looks nice." Dean smiled and grabbed his phone, walking out of the room into the hallway.

Hopefully break would go better than expected.

\--

Two days later they sat in the airplane waiting for their flight to take off. Cas had the middle seat, between Dean at the window, and a woman who looked like she was in her late seventies, sitting in the aisle seat. Dean was humming along to the song playing on his phone while drumming his fingers against the arm rest. The flight would only last about three and a half hours, but Dean would spend the majority of it asleep. The attendants were at the front of the plane, preparing to give the “in case of emergency” talk.

“Excuse me sir?” One of the attendants came by their seats. Cas noticed she was talking to Dean so he shook his arm to get his attention. Dean looked up and took one of headphones out.

“Yes?”

“Can you please turn off your device until the pilot gives the okay for them to be back on?” She gave a polite smile.

“Yeah, of course.” Dean nodded and took out the other earbud and shut off his phone. “I’m not going to survive this takeoff without my music, Cas. It’s not going to happen.” Dean took a deep breath, held it for a couple of seconds and then let it out.

“Just hum whatever you were listening to when we takeoff.” Cas suggested.

“ _Please make sure all seatbelts are fastened, we are preparing for takeoff.”_

“Jesus Christ. I am not going to survive. Cas what if the plane crashes? Oh my god I never wrote a will, who’s going to get my records? Who’s gonna get baby? Cas I can’t let the state take baby, I have to-“

“Dean.” Cas placed his hand on Dean’s arm. “Try humming your song.”

Dean nodded and leaned his head against the headrest, closing his eyes. The plane began speeding forward and Dean started humming whatever song he had been listening to. His hands gripped the arm rest as the plane lifted into the air. Cas thought the tune of the song sounded familiar but he didn’t want to break Dean’s focus.

Once the plane evened out Dean let out a long breath and opened his eyes.

“Are we good? We’re in the air, and didn’t crash right?”

“We’re fine. “ Cas answered, “Were you humming Turn it Off?”

“Shut up. It helps with my plane anxiety.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Cas smirked, “I just didn’t know you liked Book of Mormon that much.” Cas took his hand off Dean and set it in his lap.

“I don’t. I only watched it like once.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window.

“Yeah okay, Winchester.”

“Excuse me, do you mind me asking how long you two have been together?” The woman next to them asked.

“Oh we’re not-“

“We’re just friends.”

“Oh! I’m sorry, you two just bicker like me and my Harold used to.” She gave a smile and turned her attention back to the magazine she was reading.

“Well at least she was nice about asking us.” Dean addressed. Cas nodded in agreement.

_“Ladies and gentleman you can now use any electronics you’ve brought on board with you.”_

“Well that’s my cue.” Dean turned his phone back on and put his headphones back in. Cas took his laptop out from underneath his seat and set it on the tray in front of him. He brought a movie with him to watch during the flight.

“Dude are you really gonna watch Star Wars without me?” Dean mumbled from his almost asleep state.

“You’re free to watch, Dean you’ll just be awake during the turbulence and landing probably, but if you think you can handle it, you can watch it.” Cas plugged his headphones into the laptop and waited for Dean’s response.

“Whatever.” Dean rolled his eyes and leaned his head against the wall of the plane, shutting his eyes to fall asleep.

\--

After thirty minutes of Dean being asleep, the flight attendants came around offering drinks and snacks. Cas was about to order when Dean shifted in his seat and leaded his head against Cas’ shoulder.

“What can I get you and your… friend?” She smiled.

“Um, I’ll- just two waters please.”  He gave her a smile as she poured the cups and handed them over to him.

“Have a wonderful flight, let me know if you two would like anything else. A pillow or blanket?”

“A blanket would be nice. Thank you.” They wouldn’t land until about 11:30 at night, so he thought he’d try to make Dean comfortable while he was still sleeping.

“I’ll be back with your blanket.” She gave another smile and moved forward to the other passengers.

Cas noticed the elderly woman next to him staring at them, smiling. He smiled back and tried to go back to his movie.

“Are you sure you two aren’t together? My grandson and his boyfriend act just the same way. You two remind me of them!”

“Oh no we’re not. We’ve just been friends for a long time.”

“Really? How long have you two known each other?” She set down her book, suddenly interested in a conversation.

“Since we were six. So almost thirteen years.”

“Wow, that is a long time. And you two have never been together? You obviously care for each other a lot.”

“We’re best friends, I can’t seem to get rid of him, so yeah. I guess we do care for each other.” He gave a laugh.

“Here’s your blanket, sir.” The flight attendant returned, handing over a dark blue blanket.

“Thank you.” He nodded and started to unfold it, laying it over Dean.

“Can I get anything for you miss?” Cas tuned out the rest of their conversation and turned his attention back to the movie.

“So I’m your best friend again, huh?” Dean said sleepily against Cas’ shoulder.

“I was just being kind and not overcomplicate things. Don’t think we’re okay.” Cas said in a low hushed tone. He felt Dean tense beside him.

“Right.” He leaned against the other side of his seat.

Cas had tried his best to forgive Dean and get over his anger towards him. But he could never bring himself to actually doing it. He still wanted Dean to feel what he had felt for the past few months. Just because Cas was going back to visit Dean’s family with him didn’t mean they were okay. He missed John, Mary, and Sam just as much as Dean did. He wanted to see them and catch up. Now Dean and him didn’t have to share a room or even a bed, so maybe the distance would help Cas get over whatever he was feeling towards Dean.

Whether that was anger, hatred, or something else entirely.

\--

When they finally landed and grabbed their luggage, John and Sam were waiting for them outside. Sam stood eagerly outside their truck waiting for them to walk outside. He saw Dean first and then Cas walking behind him.

“Dad! He brought Cas with him!” He heard John grunt in the front seat, before getting out of the truck to greet them both.

“Hey Sammy!” Dean smiled and threw an arm around Sam hugging him tight.

“Dean.” Sam groaned.

“Look at you! You’ve already grown since August!” He ruffled Sam’s hair.

“Hey Dean.” John said, leaning against the truck. “How was the flight?” He took Dean’s bags and put them in the bed of truck.

“Not bad, I was asleep most of the time.”

Cas and Sam were having their own conversation behind them.

“I didn’t know Dean was bringing you back, he said someone special was coming home with him, but I didn’t think-“

“I was hesitant to come, I didn’t want to barge in on your Christmas.”

“C’mon Cas! You’re family too!” Sam smiled and hugged Cas, “I really missed you.”

Cas put one of his arms around Sam, “I missed you too Sam.” He gave him a tight squeeze before letting go. “You and I can go out and do something alone while I’m here. How does that sound?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

“Cas, how was the flight for you?” John asked.

“It was good.” Cas put his bags in the bed, next to Dean’s.

“Good.”

“Mom didn’t come?” Dean asked.

“No, she was asleep by 10, she tried to stay up but you know she wakes up really early so I thought I’d let her get some sleep.” John walked around to the driver’s side of the truck and got in.

“Shotgun!” Sam called and got in the front seat, leaving Dean and Cas to sit in the back.

“Everyone buckled in?” John asked.

“Dad, you never installed seat belts in this truck.” Dean replied.

“Oh yeah, forgot about that. Well, just hope if we crash none of you fly out the window.” He chuckled and started the truck.

The drive home was fairly quiet. Sam fell asleep after fifteen minutes. The radio didn’t work anymore, so they couldn’t play any music. John asked Cas a couple of questions about his classes but other than that no one really talked.

They got to the house at almost one-thirty in the morning and they all went to straight to bed. Sam showed Cas to the new guest room and helped him get settled in. Before he left to go into his own room he told Cas, “I’m really glad you’re home again.” And shut the door behind him.

Castiel had never really felt at home in his own house. The one across the street his mom was still living in. Where he couldn’t come in the house without taking his shoes off. Or go and eat in his room. There was nothing that made that house a home.

However, at the Winchester’s it was always different. When they’d come home from school on Fridays, Mary would always have some sort of dessert made. On days when the snow got too thick to go to school, or sometimes to even go outside, John would set them up tents in the living room and they boys would camp out in front of the TV watching old movies. Mary would always take Cas’ artwork and hang it up on the fridge alongside Dean and Sam’s.

The Winchester’s house was a home.

Hester was never a bad mom. Not in Castiel’s eyes. She would read him bedtime stories and comfort him if he ever had a bad dream. But as he got older she distanced herself from him. Especially after he told her he was gay.

He’d always felt more at home here than he did at his own house.

When he moved in June and started to feel homesick, he didn’t want to go back to his house and see his mom. He wanted to go _home_. He wanted one of Mary’s peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. He wanted to stay up and watch Family Feud with Sam and Dean, or listen to John ramble on about car engines and try to teach him how to change a tire. That was his home.

With the Winchester’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. I'm hoping chapter three will be up sooner than this was! I'm working on it as we speak (or as you read this) so I'm really hoping I have it up sometime next week or the week after. I start classes again on Monday, but they shouldn't take up too much of my time this semester (fingers crossed).
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr (partylikeits-1989) and also twitter (enchantedmisha) I try to talk about how I'm doing with updates and progress. I really hope you enjoyed!


	3. Sway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam fiddled with a tree branch before answering, “Because it just has to be the perfect Christmas. If it’s a perfect Christmas then maybe you and Dean will get along and start talking again.”

Morning came with the smell of breakfast and dishes being set on countertops. Cas checked the time and saw it was only seven thirty. He didn’t hear any voices downstairs so he assumed it was only Mary that was awake. He got up out of the bed and down to the kitchen in hopes of being able to have a few minutes alone with her to talk.

She had the waffle iron out and a plate of waffles already stacked next to it. She was scrambling some eggs in a skillet and taking bacon out of another. He must have made a noise walking because she turned around and smiled.

“Castiel.” She turned the heat down on the eggs and gave him a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too, Mary.” He hugged back.

“How have you been?” She let go and started scrambling the eggs again.

“I’ve been good.” He walked over to the fridge and took out the grape juice.

“How were your classes this semester? Nothing too difficult?”

“No, they weren’t too bad.” He grabbed a glass and poured the juice into it, “How are things here?”

“They’re good,” Mary turned off the eggs and took the last of the bacon out of the skillet, placing it onto another plate, “I got a job down at the clinic filing paperwork. It keeps me busy during the day. And the extra cash doesn’t hurt.”

Cas took a sip of his drink and nodded, “Has my mom, uh.” Not really knowing what he was trying to ask or where he was going with his question.

“She came over about a month ago. She asked how you were doing. I think she’d like to see you.”

“Really?” Cas set his drink down in the counter.

“She seemed curious on how you were doing, I think it might be nice to go over and see her. I can go with you if you’d feel more comfortable with that? Or maybe you could ask Dean?”

“No I don’t think Dean would be the best choice.” Cas sat on the counter taking another sip of his drink.

“Are you two still not talking?” She asked.

“Not really. We talk, but I still can’t seem to forgive him for what he said. He apologized and I know he’s sorry. But he still hasn’t shown me that he’s changed. Well besides sleeping with nearly every guy at school.”

“You’re right. He did mess up what you two had. And I hate to see you two not as close as you were. I consider you just as much my son as I do him or Sam. I love you both and I really hope you two are able to work things out.” She walked past him, heading towards the fridge, and patted him on the knee.

Cas smiled behind his glass and went to say thank you before there as another voice entering the kitchen.

“Did you already finish breakfast?” Dean stood at the kitchen entrance, hair flat on one side and only in his underwear. Mary grabbed a dishtowel and threw it at him.

“Yes, but you can’t have any until you go put on clothes.”

“So glad to be home.” He laughed and headed back upstairs.

“Cas do you want me to make you a plate?” She asked, taking a few down for the rest of the family.

“No I’m okay. I’m not really that hungry.”

“Are you sure? You had a long day yesterday.”

“Yeah I’m sure. I guess I’m still kinda tired. I’ll probably go back upstairs and see if I can sleep some more.”

“Okay now that I have clothes on can I greet my lovely, beautiful mother who made breakfast for all of us?” Dean came back in and hugged his mom.

“Yes you may. And breakfast is already done so you don’t have to try and suck up.” She laughed and let him go.

“I was not sucking up!” Dean grabbed a piece of bacon and sat on the counter across from Cas.

“Off my counter, Dean!”

“Cas is on the counter!”

“Cas came down fully clothed the first time.” Mary replied and went into the living room.

Dean rolled his eyes and hopped off, making himself a plate. Cas put his empty glass in the sink and went to go back upstairs.

“Aren’t you gonna eat?” Dean asked as he was putting a waffle on his plate.

“Not hungry.”

“Cas. C’mon just eat a couple slices of bacon at least.”

“I’m really tired, I’ll eat when I get up again.” Cas tried to leave again, but Dean took his wrist.

“Cas,” He said quieter, so his mom wouldn’t hear, “You didn’t eat yesterday. I didn’t say anything because you said you were nervous about flying. You need to eat.”

“Dean. I’m really not hungry I just want to go lay down.” Cas could tell by Dean’s eyes that he knew he was lying. The way his face fell and there was a hint of sadness in his eyes.

“Alright.” He nodded and let go. “Sleep well.” He turned his back and went back to making his plate.

Cas headed back upstairs to try and get a couple more hours of sleep. This break might not go as good as he hoped.

\--

The next day found Cas and Sam at a Christmas tree lot. Mary assigned every Christmas duties, John and Dean put up the lights and all the decorations outside, while Cas and Sam picked out a tree. Christmas tree shopping had always been one of Sam’s favorite traditions. It was usually him and Dean that went out and bought the tree. Since Cas was officially spending this Christmas with them, he offered to go with Sam. They had been to two Christmas tree lots already and now they were at the third. Sam couldn’t find a tree that had the right fullness and color to it.

“Sam, what about this one?” Cas tried pointing out another tree.

“No, look at the left side, it’s too flat.” He shook his head and kept looking around.

“Sam, we’ve already been to three tree lots. There were plenty nice ones at those ones. Why do you need a perfect one?”

Sam fiddled with a tree branch before answering, “Because it just has to be the perfect Christmas. If it’s a perfect Christmas then maybe you and Dean will get along and start talking again.”

Cas’ eyes softened, “Sam. I know you want Dean and me to work things out, but that’s between him and me. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Can you please talk to him? I know he said some really messed up things that he shouldn’t have, but if you guys talk maybe he can apologize again, and then you can forgive him and we can all enjoy our Christmas together as a family.”

“We’re going to enjoy our Christmas together, whether Dean and I are on good terms or not. I promise you Sam.” Cas put a hand on Sam’s shoulder.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Sam asked.

Cas hesitated, “I’ll try to talk to him tonight.”

“Really?” Sam beamed.

“Yes.” Cas gave him a smile.

“Thank you!” Sam hugged him.

“Go pick out a tree, Sam.” Cas laughed and pushed him off a bit.

“I saw a tree I liked towards the front of the lot so I’ll go check it out again.” He walked off towards the tree and left Cas thinking about what to talk to Dean about.

\--

After they got home, John set up the tree in the corner of the living room and helped Mary and Sam decorate it. By help, he sat on the couch watching A Christmas Story until they asked him to put the angel on top of the tree. Cas and Dean were told decorate cookies and cakes for the neighbors, which might not have been the best job for them considering neither of them knew how to frost or properly decorate. Christmas was three days away and they were apparently handing out Christmas goodies to the neighbors tomorrow. Mary asked if Cas wanted to go talk to his mom then and he decided that might be the best time to do it.

“You wanna watch a movie after this?” Dean asked, putting jelly bean eyes on his snowman cookie.

“Sure.” Cas replied. He went to grab another gingerbread cookie but it was stuck to the cookie sheet. When he tried to pry it off it broke in half, “Well, it’s time for a cookie break.” He broke off the arm and popped it in his mouth.

Dean laughed and took the other half of the cookie, biting into it.

“How are you boys doing in there?” Mary called.

They both froze and stuck the rest of their cookie in their mouths, “Good!” They called back.

“You better not be eating the cookies!” She came into the kitchen.

“We’re not!” Dean tried to defend them but his mouth was full.

“Out! Both of you, no more cookie sampling.” She shooed them out of the kitchen.

“So, movie?” Dean asked, gesturing upstairs towards his bedroom.

“Yes, I’m going to go change into some pajamas and I’ll be in there.” They walked up the stairs, Dean taking a right for his room and Cas to the left. He was going to try and talk to Dean tonight, like he told Sam, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to.

After he changed he made his way across the hall to Dean’s room. His door was cracked so Cas gave a small knock before going in.

“I was thinking Men in Black marathon?” Dean held up the three DvDs.

“Really? Men in Black? I thought you would’ve put on Star Wars or Star Trek, not Men in Black.” Cas walked over to Dean’s bed and sat on it, leaning against the wall.

“Would you rather watch that instead?” Dean asked.

“It feels more normal.” Cas shrugged, “But if you want to watch Men in Black that’s fine.”

“I just thought you’d be sick of Star Trek by now.” Dean turned on the DvD player and put Star Trek Into Darkness on.

“Well, I am. But I think it’s kind of our thing by now.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Dean pressed play and sat on the bed, next to Cas. They got through the first thirty minutes of the movie without saying anything, besides a few comments about the scenes going on.

Sam came up after he finished decorating and told them he was going to bed and that their parents had already gone to sleep.

“Cas,” Dean stopped the movie, “Cas, I’m so sorry.” He turned and looked at Cas.

“What?”

“I am so sorry. I know I screwed up; I really fucked up what we had before. And I am so sorry. I know I’ve told you this already, but this distance between us is killing me, man. I shouldn’t have called you what I did. I really just want us to be okay again, and I know you want me to prove myself and do something to show I’ve changed. But I have no clue what to do. All I know is that I really miss you, and I want us to be friends again, I miss my best friend.”

And there it was, the best friend he’d known since he was six years old. Who’s begging for forgiveness after months of trying to make things better between them. Whose eyes he can see even though the lights are off, and the only light shining on him is the dim light from the television. He looks like he’s going to fall apart if Cas rejects him again. The one person who knew him more than he even knew himself.

“Dean, I was angry at you for a while. Honestly, I didn’t want to see you or talk to you again. But I’m willing to work on this. I don’t know if I can fully forgive you just yet. We can try to work on it.” He tried turning his attention back to the forgotten movie, but he felt Dean wrap his arms around him before he could.

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.” Dean’s voice was quiet.

Cas gave a small laugh and patted Dean’s arm. He couldn’t hug him back since his arms were held down by Dean’s. Once he let go they turned their attention back to the TV to watch the last half of the movie.

“So, you missed me?” Cas asked after a while.

“C’mon, man. Don’t try turning this into a chick flick moment.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“ _You missed me._ ” Cas sing-songed.

“Shut it, Cas.” Dean laughed and pushed Cas’ shoulder. After that Dean got quiet, not the quiet to continue watching the movie, but an uncomfortable quiet.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Cas said.

“How much,” Dean paused, clearing his throat, “How much did you eat? While we weren’t talking.”

“I didn’t.”

“You couldn’t go the entire summer without eating, Cas.”

“I ate some. An apple every couple of days, maybe a slice of pizza or some cereal. I didn’t have an appetite for a while.” Cas gave a small shrug, and twirled the strings of his pajama bottoms between his fingers.

“Jesus, Cas.”

“I’m fine, Dean. I’m working on it.” Cas sighed, he felt Dean put a hand on his shoulder and pull him in for an actual hug this time. He buried his face into Cas’ neck and twisted his hands in his shirt.

“God, I am so sorry Cas. I never meant for it to get this bad, I should have been there for you, what the fuck kind of best friend am I? I am so sorry.” Cas started rubbing Dean’s back, trying to soothe him.

“Hey it’s okay, Dean. I’m better now than I was before. Being here with your family and you, is making it a lot easier for me. Alright? Don’t worry about me.” He felt Dean grab tighter onto him.

“I worried about you so much, and I had no idea if you were okay. I just want you to be okay. I want to make it okay again.”

“I said we’ll work on this. And we will. Please, don’t get worked up over this.” Cas almost started working himself up as well, but Dean pulled back before he could.

“I’m gonna make this better again, Cas. I promise.” Dean looked him in the eyes, in an attempt to reassure him.

“Okay Dean.” Cas nodded. “Can we try watching the movie again before we both completely break down.” He laughed.

“Yeah we can.”

Now he just had to face his mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow so this didn't get uploaded as fast as I thought it would. I've had about 2k written for the past week and a half and just couldn't bring myself to write the other 500 words. Anyways. I hope you enjoyed! The next chapter is a bit of a flashback chapter, I'm not sure if that will be all of the chapter or just a majority of it. But yeah!
> 
> You can keep up with my progress by following me on twitter: enchantedmisha  
> Or on tumblr: partylikeits-1989  
> (also if you send me asks/or tweet me to write a few sentences i will feel obligated and the next chapter will be up sooner)
> 
> See you soon!


	4. You're Not the One

Disappointment. Anger. Regret. Shame. A few words that were running through Cas’ mind right now. His mind was still a little foggy as he walked down the sidewalk, not sure where his destination was yet. He was heading towards Meg’s house, maybe that’s where he’ll stay tonight. He can figure out what he’ll do.

He stopped at a bus stop and pulled out his phone, dialing Dean’s number. It went straight to voicemail, but he decided to leave one anyways.

“Fuck you Winchester, I can’t believe I’ve spent the last twelve years of my in love with you just to have you call me a faggot and kick me out,” He gave a cold laugh, “I have never done anything so low, well except tell everyone you and I slept together.” He stopped, remembering it.

“Remember that? You came back from that party the football team had thrown and stumbled into the room. You started making out with me and I had no idea what to do, so I just obliged. And the next morning you said it was just some ‘drunk fooling around.’” He rolled his eyes, even though he knew Dean couldn’t see him.

He felt his stomach roll, his throat felt like it was closing and he could feel his eyes starting to sting, tears threatening to come out. “So you know what, fuck you! I fucking hate you.” He hung up the phone and shoved it back in his pocket. He let his face drop in his hands, letting Dean Winchester get to him one more time.

+

When he finally calmed down he continued walking, ending up at Meg’s doorstep. He knocked on the door, when she didn’t answer he rang the doorbell three times, listening to the buzz fill the inside.

“I’m coming!” He heard before the door opened, “Clarence, what brings you over at this hour?” She smiled bringing a cigarette to her lips.

“Dean Winchester.” He shrugged and walked inside. He heard the door shut as he fell on the couch.

“Did he finally decide he wants a crack at the good stuff?” She laughed.

“No, I want to forget about him. What do you have?” He let his eyes wander around the room, “Did you paint the walls orange? Have they always been orange?”

“Just did them last week. So what do you want? What I gave you last time?” He shook his head. “I got some coke, you wanna smoke?” She asked heading into her room.

“I thought you were supposed to snort that.” He mumbled.

“Depends on its form, but you can do both. Which one?”

“Smoke.” He replied sitting up on the couch as she walked back in.

“Here you go, don’t go too hard, don’t want you dying on me.” She smiled, handing it over to him.

“Just this once. Then I’m leaving, go out to California, so I don’t see him again.” He sighed, letting euphoria take over

+

Forty-five minutes later, Meg was in his lap grinding down on him, kissing his neck. Her hands traveled down his chest and began unbuttoning his pants. Cas opened his eyes, breathing in her smell of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. But when he looked at her he saw Dean, not Meg.

“Stop,” he gave her shoulders a slight push.

“What’s wrong?” She sat back.

“I can’t.” He ran his ringers through his hair, “I should go.” She stood up, letting him get off the couch. “Thanks for the high and,” he gestured between them, “this.”

She nodded, “Don’t be a stranger when you move out west. Call me, okay?” She seemed upset.

Cas nodded and walked out the door. The cold air felt good against his face. He didn’t feel as foggy as earlier. He knew was going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight, he couldn’t go back to the Winchester’s yet.

+

He was sure he had been here before. Memories of running up and down the stairs with Dean, or watching his mom walk around the field. The old middle school track. He wasn’t sure how many times he had been here, but he knew he had before.

He pulled out his phone, checking the time. _3:07 A.M._ it read. He pulled up his contacts and scrolled down to Dean’s name. Deciding to call him again.

It went to voicemail, just like the last call had. He laid down on the grass, staring up at the sky. He tried to relax and get over the high.

“It’s three A.M. and I have no idea where the fuck I am. I walked over to Meg’s house. You know her right?” He chuckled, closing his eyes, “Yeah. She gave me some of that stuff she smokes. Or snorts. I don’t know how drugs work.” He sighed, all of sudden feeling tired. “Then she tried to have sex with me. I tried, to get into it. But I kept seeing you. How pathetic am I?”

He ended the call and opened his eyes once more, seeing the stars above him and wondered if they’d be this clear in California.

* * *

When he finally made his way back to the Winchester’s house it was six in the morning. He knew Mary would be up, so he let himself inside and walked into the kitchen. Her back was turned to him, adding water to the coffee pot. She heard his shoes hit the tile and turned around.

“Castiel,” she took in his state, “Are you okay? You weren’t in the room last night.” She walked over to him and put her hands on his cheeks, “what happened?” Her eyes wandered over his face.

“Thank you for letting me to stay here these past couple of months, but I have to leave now.” He put his hands on her wrists, gently removing her hands from his face.

“Why? Please talk to me.” She took his arm and led him to the table where they both sat down. “Did something happen last night at the party?” Cas nodded, “Was there a fight? Did something happen between you and Dean?” He gave another nod.

“I was drunk, well I had a few drinks, but I still knew what I was doing.” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I kissed him. He freaked out and told me to leave. And then I got angry and told everyone we slept together.”

“Oh, Cas.” Her eyes softened, placing one of her hands on top of his.

“I need to leave. I should go get all of my stuff while he’s still asleep.”

“Did Dean say something to you? It isn’t his place to tell you to leave.”

“His exact words were, ‘What the fuck faggot,’” He paused, his voice becoming a bit harsher, “‘Just because I’ve had a few beers and you’re feeling handsy you think you think you can just try and make out with me?” Mary sat up straight, a shocked expression on her face, ‘“out of my house, now. I’m not friends with fags. They’re not welcome here.’”

“He said that to you? He knows better than that, I didn’t raise him to use slurs, especially towards his best friend. When he wakes up I’ll talk to him-“ Cas held up his hand.

“Please don’t. I don’t want any more conflict. I think it’s best if I just leave.”

Mary’s eyes were watery, but she nodded, “Where are you going to go? Let me give you some money so you have something to start off with.”

“No, Mary it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I have plenty of money saved up.” He stood up from the table, “If I tell you where I’m going will you promise not to tell Dean? I don’t want him to know.”

Mary paused before nodding.

“I’m going to go out to California. I got accepted into UC Santa Barbara. I’ll find somewhere to stay for the next couple of months until I can get an early check-in for dorms. It’ll be better if I’m out there.”

Mary stood and hugged him, “Please let me give you some money, just to start off. You’re going to need money to stay somewhere. I don’t want you out of the street.” She pulled away.

“I’ll be okay. I don’t need your money-“

“I’m giving you some anyways.” She wiped her eyes. “Go get your stuff, there’s a couple of duffel bags in the hall closet, you can take those.” Cas nodded and headed upstairs to get his stuff.

When he walked into the room Dean was face down on the bed, one arm hanging off and his mouth open. Cas took one of the duffel bags and grabbed his shirts from the closet, rolling them up and placing them inside. He grabbed his books from Dean’s desk and shoved them in his backpack, he took his car keys, which were hanging on a nail right next to Dean’s, and put them in his pocket. He didn’t bring much over when he moved in. Which he took as a positive now, since he was making a quick escape.

He grabbed the last of his clothes and whatever was in his drawer and put them all in the last duffel bag, and a few socks in his back pack. His wallet was sitting on Dean’s nightstand, so he walked over slowly trying not to wake him, and picked it up. Taking the last thing of his out of Dean’s room.

For some reason it look barer. He didn’t think he had taken up a lot of space, and he hadn’t. With his books gone and a few shoes that weren’t at the end of Dean’s bed missing, it looked neater, but empty. He grabbed his bags and took them out into the hallway, shutting Dean’s door behind him.

He went into Sam’s room, sitting by him and gently shook his shoulder, waking him up.

“Cas?” Sam eyes blinked opened, confused why he was being woken up so early.

“Hey Sam.” He gave a sad smile, “I’m leaving and I wanted to say goodbye to you before I did."

“Leaving?” Sam sat up, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to California. For school. But you have to promise me you won’t tell Dean.”

“He doesn’t know? You’re not going to say goodbye to him?” Cas shook his head, “But he’s your best friend, you have to say goodbye!”

“I can’t, Sam. It will be better for both of us if I leave before he even wakes up.”

“What am I supposed to tell him? That I don’t know where you are? I have to lie to him now?”

“Sam I’m sorry. But I have to leave and I really don’t want him knowing where I am. I’ll keep in touch with you. I promise.” He stood up from the bed, “Get some sleep. It’s still early. I’ll call you soon. Okay?”

Sam nodded, looking slightly defeated and laid back down. Cas walked out of his room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Just as he walked out, John came out of his room and noticed Castiel’s bags on the floor.

“You going somewhere?” He asked. Cas gave a nod. “Care to tell me where?”

“California.” Was Cas’ response.

“Does Dean know?”

“No. I intend to keep it that way if you don’t mind, sir.” He picked up one of his bags from the floor and heaved it onto his shoulder.

John gave a nod, “Why are you leaving? Did something happen between you two?” Another nod from Cas. “Alright. I won’t ask about the details. You don’t look like you want to talk about it.” He sighed, “I’ll help you with your bags.”

“No you don’t have to-“

“I’m going to.” Was John’s gruff response, taking two of Cas’ bags and carrying them downstairs. Mary and John both walked Cas to his car and helped him put his stuff in.

“Here,” Mary gave him an envelope, “Call us if you need anything.” She pulled him into a hug, “I love you. Be careful out there. Okay? Call us when you get there so we know you got there okay. You better check in.” She pulled away and wiped her eyes.

“I will, I promise. Thank you both for everything.” He was sincere. They had done so much for him, he felt terrible leaving on such short notice, but he couldn’t stay for any longer.

John pulled him in for a quick hug, then patted him on the shoulder, “Call us if you need anything. You’re our family too.”

Cas smiled and got in his car. He started up the engine and gave one last wave before pulling out of the driveway; leaving Kansas behind him and everyone in it.

* * *

“I just got finished taking all of my stuff out of your room,” he was sat in a diner thirty minutes away from the Winchester’s house. “You were passed out on your bed. You didn’t hear me come in.” He swirled a piece of bacon in some syrup and ate it. “I said goodbye to your parents and Sam. I would say goodbye to you, but you don’t deserve it. Please, don’t try calling, Dean. I won’t answer,” Cas sighed, “Don’t try looking for me because you won’t be able to. This is the last you’ll hear from me.” He pressed end call and knew he could leave in peace now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to make Cas' flashback into two parts. So I need your opinions. Would you rather see what happened when he got to California in the next chapter or post, or in a couple of chapters?  
> I hope you all enjoyed and I'm sorry I suck at updating.  
> I'm going to VegasCon next weekend so there won't be and update for a couple of weeks! But you can keep up with me through my tumblr (partylikeits-1989) and twitter (enchantedmisha)!


	5. July 8th, 2014

California, at first, wasn’t at all what it had been cracked up to be. Castiel had expected more sunshine and hot weather. But since he decided to live in Santa Barbara and the university was right next to the beach, it was pretty cool. The weather was nice and a lot of the people there helped show him around and get situated before classes had started. A girl he had talked to in the main office even got him a job a few blocks away at a small coffee shop that had just opened.

He hadn’t even been away from Kansas two weeks and he already loved it here more than he ever had there.

He worked five days a week; the other two were spent looking for other jobs and somewhere to stay. His car was a good place to sleep, but not for the next two months. The first thing he did with his first paycheck was buy a hot meal from a small diner a few blocks away from the university. He finally changed his number as well.

Dean had been trying to contact him since he left and he can’t lie. He felt a bit guilty. He kept getting texts and voicemails left on his phone and they sounded so desperate. Begging for forgiveness or any sign that he was alive. He knew he couldn’t keep this number without one day giving in and answering. So he decided he finally needed to change it before the semester started.

When July came around he had found a decent inn to stay at while waiting for the dorms to open. The owners even offered him a job doing some of the yard work and checking in guests when needed. He didn’t get into UCSB on a scholarship, but he applied for smaller ones which helped cover his books and a few classes for the next year. However, he still needed money to pay for other classes and his dorm.

The coffee shop helped Cas mingle with some students attending in the fall, he even met a couple that were in one of his classes. He met a junior named Ruby who helped show him around the city and campus. Telling him the best and worst places to eat and giving him advice on some of the teachers. She suddenly became a close friend to him and he found himself immersed in a new group of people who became like a family to him.

They showed him the best parts of the beach that no one occupied and where they often found themselves on weekends. A couple of them, Samandriel and Hannah, lived in an apartment nearby and were looking for a new roommate. He almost took them up on the offer but wanted to stay on campus for this year. He found himself spending most of his time with Ruby and Samandriel though. Although Hannah was nice, she was interested in pursuing more than a friendship with Cas and he _really_ wasn’t interested.

His co-worker, Adam, became another good friend and was also starting classes in the Fall. They worked most of their shifts together and Cas finally realized making friends and a new life here wouldn’t be as hard as he imagined it to be.

When the first week of August arrived he was able to move into his dorm. His roommate wouldn’t be there for a couple of weeks so he had a couple of weeks to before he had to get used to sharing a room with someone again.

At least he didn’t have to share a bed this time.

Two weeks came by faster than he expected. Late August brought heat and humidity. The school was right across from the beach and he found himself there most nights with Ruby and her friends.

He woke one morning a remembered today was the day his roommate would be here. He cleaned up the room a bit; a few empty bottles of water and crumpled up hamburger wrappers had been tossed on the floor. So he threw everything away and put his clothes into the dresser before his roommate got in. Their room was a decent size, as decent as a dorm room could be.

He had a shift at the coffee shop today and didn’t get off until late this evening, but he hoped to get to know his roommate after he got back.

+

The day wasn’t particularly busy, just a rush in the morning but other than that there had only been a few more people throughout the day. Adam invited him out for dinner after their shift was over, so they went to a buffet about fifteen minutes away and had dinner. They invited Ruby too and she met them there.

When he finally got back to the dorm it was almost 6 o’clock. There were bags on the unoccupied bed which meant his roommate had finally arrived. Cas decided to take a quick shower so he didn’t smell like coffee when they first met.

When he got out he heard the door to their room close, he didn’t want to take too long so he finished getting dressed and checked the time on his phone. It was 6:15 and he suddenly felt nervous to open the door.

What if they didn’t get along? He’d hate to have a roommate that he couldn’t stand. Or what if he was extremely messy. Cas could be messy but he knew when to clean up, what if this guy didn’t? He hadn’t been worried about meeting him at all, but suddenly he had a ton of fears.

He finally decided to open the door and step out. He had been expecting a lot of things, like maybe he saw the guy getting coffee or around town in the store. But he wasn’t expecting to see the person he had been friends with since he was four years old standing in front of him.

That was literally the last thing he expected.

“Hello Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this took a while. sorry. i was upset over vegascon ending. I know it's shorter than most of the other chapters but i just wanted to wrap up Cas' adventures in California!
> 
> Again not beta'd please let me know if you spot anything :)


	6. Times

After delivering cookies and fudge to nearly the entire block, they didn’t go to Mr. Smith’s house at the end of the block because not only did he have a “no trespassers, keep out” sign, he also kept two very intimidating dogs outside that they did not want to deal with; it was finally time for Cas to see his mom. Although he liked the idea of having someone with him, he decided it was best to go at it alone. Dean handed him the last tin of cookies and fudge, clapped him on the back and headed back to the house. To say Cas was nervous was an understatement. The last time he saw his mom wasn’t pleasant. He had been kicked out of the house, but according to Mary, Hester wanted to see him. So he wanted to give her another chance and hopefully gain back their relationship.

He rang the bell and waited for an answer. He heard some shuffling behind the door and then it opened. The person standing there was not Hester though. It was his brother Michael. Whom he hadn’t seen in almost 2 years, and Castiel didn’t know if he knew. He had told Anna before she left to college, but he was only fourteen when Michael left.

“Castiel.” Michael seemed surprised to see him, then broke out into a grin. He pulled Cas in for a hug, “It’s been while, come in!” He pulled away and opened the door for him to enter. No one was in the living room when he entered, he heard voices coming from the kitchen.

“Is everyone in there?” He pointed towards the kitchen.

“Yes, Anna brought her boyfriend with her. Do you want to go in there?” He asked. Cas hesitated before nodding, he clutched the tin full of sweets to his chest and walked in behind Michael.

“That’s really how you two met? Anna I didn’t see you as such a heavy drinker!”

“He’s just over exaggerating, I was not that drunk.”

“The last member has finally arrived.” Michael stepped to his left, leaving Castiel exposed.

“Cassie!” Balthazar stood from the barstool and hugged him, Anna followed closely behind.

“Cas, this is Zeke.” Anna introduced her boyfriend.

“Hello, I’m Castiel.” Cas stuck out his hand, shaking Zeke’s.

“Nice to meet you. Anna has told me a lot about you.” Cas set the tin on the counter,

“Mary asked me to bring these over for you.” He looked down at it, too afraid to look directly at his mother.

“That was sweet of her, thank you.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. Castiel looked up at her and returned her smile. “Do you mind if we go in the other room and talk?” She asked. The other’s were engaged in conversation so he nodded and walked in the living room. He sat down on the chair in front of the window. He wondered how long ago she bought this, it wasn’t there when he was kicked out. His mother sat down on the couch to his right and folded her hands in her lap.

“I think it’s time you and I talk.” Castiel looked down at the ground. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t talked to her in almost a year. What could he say? “Since you left I’ve been speaking to Mary often. She’s explained a lot to me and I want to say that I’m, sorry. I shouldn’t have kicked you out when you needed me the most. You were right. I’m your mother, I am supposed to love you no matter what. You shared a big part of your life with me and I shut it down on the spot. For that Castiel, I am truly sorry.” He could feel his eyes watering. He spent the last few months bottling everything up and trying to pretend his mom hadn’t hurt him. He could tell she was sorry, but he couldn’t forgive her just like that.

“I don’t know what to say.” Is what he finally said.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.”

“Do you, um,” he paused, he tried his best not to get too choked up, “Are you okay with it?”

“I am now. At first, I was shocked and scared. I grew up with very religious parents and I thought if I had a child who was gay then I had failed as a mother. But, after speaking with Mary… and even Sam,” She gave a small laugh, “I realized it wasn’t me that raised you to be gay. It’s who you are and I want you to feel comfortable coming home for the holidays. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide out at the Winchester’s. And if you eventually find someone you would like to be with, I want you to feel comfortable bringing them home. Because I will want to meet him.” And that’s what did it. He broke down and as soon as he did he felt arms wrapping around him and hands rubbing his back.

“I am so sorry for doing this to you.” His mom whispered.

“No it’s,” he tried to talk but couldn’t get the words out, “I’m okay.” He took a deep breath and Hester let go. “Thank you.”

She put her hands on his face and used her thumbs to wipe away his tears. “I love you.” She smiled and kissed him on the forehead. “Will you stay for dinner?”

Castiel smiled and nodded. “I would like that.”

+

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 6:12 PM>**

**Everything ok? uve been ovr there for 3 hrs. she didnt lock u up in the attic or smthin rite?**

**Outgoing message**

**To: Dean**

**< 6:15 PM>**

**I’m okay. I’ll tell you about it when I get back. I’m staying for dinner.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 6:17 PM>**

**Bring some back. mom made eggplant parmesan coz sam wanted it.**

**Outgoing message**

**To: Dean**

**< 6:18 PM>**

**Will do. I’m sure you’ll love meatloaf and broccoli.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 6:20 PM>**

**:-(**

+

Dinner was good. He hadn’t had this much fun with his family in a couple of years. With everyone away at school or starting their careers, it was hard to get everyone together at once. They discussed what they had been doing during the past year, plans they had when they got their own places, and reminiscing on old Christmas memories. Cas called it a night at 9:30. He said goodbye to everyone and promised he would be back tomorrow, then he walked back over to the Winchester’s.

The family was in the living room watching “The Grinch.” John was asleep in the recliner, Sam was on the larger couch with Mary, and Dean was sat on the love seat alone.

“Cas! You’re back!” Sam sat up from where he was laying.

“How was it?” Mary asked.

“It was good.” He smiled. “I brought some food back from dinner.” He held up the container and then walked into the kitchen to put it away, then walked upstairs to get changed. He put on some sweatpants and a loose t-shirt then made his way back downstairs. Mary was waking John up to go upstairs. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around the room.

“Cas. Family was good?” John asked.

“Yes it was, sir.” Cas made his way over to the couch where Dean was sitting and sat next to him.

“Glad to hear.” John got up from the chair and made his way upstairs, Mary following behind him.

“Goodnight boys. Don’t stay up too late.” She said as she left the room.

“Night mom.” Sam said and laid back on the couch, resuming the movie. Currently, the Grinch was listing off all the Whos that he hated.

_“Aardvarkian Abakenezer Who… I hate you! Aaron B. Benson Who, I hate you. Hate, hate, hate.”_

“So how did it go?” Dean whispered to Cas.

“Good. She apologized. I think she wants me to move back in. Well when I come back for holidays and stuff to stay there.”

“Are you going to?” Dean seemed wary about the idea.

“Maybe when I come back for the Summer. But I’ll stay here for the rest of the break.”

“You know you’re always gonna have a home here right?” Dean looked over at Cas.

“Yeah. I know.” Cas confirmed.

“Guys I know you think you’re being quiet but you’re not.” Sam informed them.

“Sorry.” They both said in unison.

 _“Who best typifies… the qualities of Whodom and Whodery… the Whoville holiday cheer-meister! Do I hear a nomination? I nominate the Grinch!”_ By the time they got to the part where the Grinch was ready to accept his award, Sam had already fallen asleep.

“So everything between you and your family is good?” Dean asked.

“Yeah. It is. I’m going back over tomorrow.”

“Really?”

“You should come with me. I’m sure everyone will be happy to see you.” Hester had asked about how Dean was and of course his siblings wanted to know too. He didn’t have much to tell them considering they hadn’t really talked at all besides last night. Bringing Dean with him tomorrow would answer all the questions they had.

“Uh, I don’t know if I want to, honestly.” Dean rubbed his neck.

“They were asking about you, which is why I suggested it. If not it’s fine.” Cas responded. He felt angry now. Dean wanted to fix things between them and he couldn’t even go with him to see his family. Even though today he had offered to go with him.

“Don’t get pissed, if you really want me to go, I’ll go.”

“No you don’t want to go, I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to do.”

“Cas, c’mon. I just don’t want to see your mom after what she did to you.”

“And you think I wanted to see her? Earlier you were on board to go in with me, but I invite you and you don’t want to go?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Okay Dean.” Cas stood up, “I’m gonna go to bed now.”

“Cas just finish the movie.”

“It’s been a long day, I’m going to bed. Night Dean.” Cas made his way up the stairs and Dean heard the door to his room shut a few seconds later. He could have avoided this whole situation if he had just agreed to go with him tomorrow, but in the span of 24 hours he managed to screw up what friendship was left.

Awesome.

+

Cas felt like he had just fallen asleep when he heard his door open. He grabbed his phone from under his pillow and turned the flash on to see who was in his doorway.

“Dude, bright much?” Dean asked, squinting his eyes.

“What are you doing? It’s,” he looked at the time, “three in the morning.”

Dean made his way over to the bed and sat at the end, by Cas’s feet. “Bad dream. I was just coming in to make sure you were okay. I forgot you can be a light sleeper sometimes.”

“I’m fine. Are you okay?” Cas sat up leaning against the headboard.

“Yeah.” Dean took the end of the comforter in his hands and rubbed it between his fingers, trying to get his mind off the dream.

“You don’t seem okay.” Dean shrugged at the response, the dream had clearly upset him. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“It’s the same dream I always have. Except you’re in it now. Which is why I came in here.”  

“You haven’t that dream in a while, Dean.” From what Cas could remember the last time he had it was over six or seven years ago.

“Last time I had it was a few months ago, in July or August I think.”

“Was I in that one too?” Cas could see the discomfort in Dean’s face. Although it was dark in the room he could make out the outline of Dean’s jawline. He was clenching his jaw and his shoulders were tight.

“You were in all of them.” Dean let go of the comforter to set his hands in his lap.

“What do you mean all of them?”

“I started having them again after you left. You were in every one. I would call you when I woke up, but it’d always go to voicemail. Eventually I just stopped calling. Kinda hoped one night I’d wake up and you’d be sitting by me or something telling me I was alright, but it never happened.”

“Dean…” He didn’t know what to say. He changed his number before he got those messages. He felt so guilty. He knew how much those dreams upset Dean. He couldn’t even be here to tell him everything was alright. Or that he was okay.

“You don’t have to say anything. It was my fault you weren’t there. Not yours. So don’t think that it was.”

“If it helps I changed my number in June. I wasn’t ignoring you.” Cas moved over to sit closer to Dean.

“Yeah, it helps a bit.” Dean gave a small laugh.

“It’s late.” Cas stated. “It’s Christmas Eve and I think your mom probably has a lot planned for us today.”

“Yeah.” Dean rubbed his hands together. “Do you mind if I lay in here for a bit? I won’t fall asleep. I just don’t feel like being alone yet.”

Cas hesitated with his response. The bed was big, it’s not like if Dean did lay down they’d be close. They would have plenty of space between them, just two ex-almosts sharing a bed. “You can. I might fall asleep though.” Everything would be alright. He and Dean were just getting back to normal. 

“That’s alright. I’ll leave when I start getting tired. Promise.” Cas gave him a smile before he slid back under the comforter and laid down. He turned on his side, away from Dean, hoping that would make it easier.

“Night, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I got really caught up with school and wrote a majority of this chapter in class the other day when I got bored. If I disappear for more than two months come yell at me on twitter and tumblr. So yeah here's this chapter, I hope you enjoyed. I'm not gonna make any promises when the next one will be up because i don't wanna disappoint!!


	7. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m yours, Cas. For as long as you’ll have me, I’m yours."

Christmas Eve brought snow. Plain and simple. A lot of snow. Cas woke up at six am, he had planned on sleeping in, but the knocking on his door is what woke him up. He remembered Dean coming in last night, he looked beside him to see if he was still in the bed, but he wasn’t. At least he kept his promise. He pushed the blankets off of him and walked over to the door to see who was knocking.

“Come look at this!” It was Sam. No surprise in all honesty. Sam had always been an early riser.

“Are we going outside?” He whispered, not wanting to wake the rest of the house.

“Yes grab shoes and a jacket!” Sam ran down the stairs, waiting patiently for Cas to follow.

“Alright.” Cas slipped on a pair of his boots, put on his hoodie that was thrown over the chair and followed Sam downstairs. “What are we looking at Sam?”

Sam opened the door to the backyard and gestured for Cas to follow him, “Look at all the snow!” He ran out into the middle of the yard, his ankles slowly sinking deeper into the snow the further out he went.

“Sam we should go inside before we freeze!”

“C’mon Cas! It hardly ever snows this much! Live a little!” Sam fell down into the snow, but forgot it was not as soft as the movies made it seem. “Ouch.”

Cas walked over to him, holding out his hand to help him up. “Let’s go back inside before we wake everyone up.” The snow was still coming down, flurries falling into their hair and melting after a few seconds.

“Alright.” Sam let Cas pull him up before breaking into a grin, “I’d watch out if I were you.” He moved as quick as he could to his left.

“What are you-“ Cas tried to ask before getting tackled to the ground. He felt his pajama pants soaking up the snow and freezing his legs.

“You guys can’t play in the snow without me!” Dean was of course the one to tackle him. Cas shoved him off and sat up, his hoodie and pants were now soaked.

“Must you?” He asked as he stood up.

“I must.” Dean grinned.

“Dean, don’t.” Cas noticed his arm was behind his back, which only meant one thing.

“Don’t what? Do this?” He threw a ball of snow, but Cas ducked in time that it didn’t hit him. Instead it hit Sam who was standing behind him.

“Really Dean?”

“I didn’t know he was gonna duck!” Cas took the opportunity of them arguing to back up and grab some snow for himself. He found himself standing behind Dean with a handful of snow, so he quickly grabbed the neck of Dean’s shirt and pushed the snow in. Dean jumped forward, shaking his shirt in an attempt to get the frozen snow out.

“You little shit!” He bent down, grabbing another handful of snow to throw at Cas before Mary opened the door.

"It's freezing out here and none of you have proper coats on! Get inside!" She scolded. Sam was the first to follow her inside, followed by Cas, and then Dean.

"Had she not come out here I so would have gotten you back." Dean leaned in front of him to whisper to Cas.

"But you didn't and that's all I care about." Cas smirked.

"I'll get you back, don't doubt me."

"Dean stop threatening Cas." Sam added in on their conversation.

"Who's threatening who?" John came down the stairs.

"Your eldest is threatening to put snow down my shirt."

"Only because he did it first!"

"Because you tackled me in the snow!"

"Boys! Stop arguing and either go get dressed or help me make breakfast." Mary said. Sam volunteered to help with breakfast while Cas and Dean got ready.

"I can't believe you ratted me out. You suck." Dean said while putting a clean shirt on. Cas was sat on Dean's bed, flicking through channels looking for a Christmas movie on, "As far as I remember it's you who sucked." Cas threw a smirk Dean's way. It took Dean a while to understand what he meant.

"I thought we weren't bringing that up again." Dean looked down at the floor.

"I couldn't pass up that joke." Cas shrugged, the room grew silent, even with Christmas Vacation playing in the background.

"Should we, uh, talk about it?" Dean walked over to the bed and sat down next to Cas.

"I think our thoughts on it were pretty clear. You said it was a mistake, I left and got high. Seems pretty talked about."

"It wasn't a mistake." Dean said, catching Cas's attention, "Well I mean the way it happened was. I would've liked for it to happen when I was in a more clear state of mind. But it happened. I regret being drunk and feeling like I forced you into something."

"Yeah. I kinda wish you weren't drunk either." Cas gave a weak laugh.

"Are we ever going to talk about us? Like what we're doing? We room together at school and here basically. I don't know about you but I still really... feel for you." Dean cleared his throat, "And stuff."

"And stuff?" Cas laughed. He stood up and shrugged his hoodie off.

“Yeah… and stuff.” Cas left the room and Dean followed him across the hall to his room, shutting the door behind him.

“We shouldn’t talk about this now, Dean.” Cas rummaged through his top drawer to try and find a new shirt.

“When should we talk about it? When we get back to campus and you start ignoring me again?” Dean stood beside him.

“I already told you, I’m over it. I’m not going to ignore you anymore.” Cas pulled out a plain white shirt, changing it out with his current one.

“Even if you’re telling the truth and don’t ignore me, are we really going to talk about it?” Dean pushed the drawer shut.

“I don’t know, Dean. I just brought it up as a joke. I’m sorry, okay? Your parents are downstairs, as well as your brother. I just don’t think right now is an appropriate time to talk about… us.” He leaned against the wall behind him and tried to distance himself from Dean. Of course Dean didn’t take the hint and ended up standing directly in front of Cas.

“Are we just going to stay friends?” There was hardly any distance between them now.

“I don’t know.” Cas adverted his eyes away from Dean’s.

“Do you,” Dean paused, “Do you still feel something for me?”

“I don’t-“

“Don’t say you don’t know. You have to know whether or not you feel something for me too.”

“How do you even know you feel anything for me, Dean? How? Just because you’ve been sleeping around campus with every guy you can get your hands on? How am I still supposed to believe you feel anything for me?” Dean framed Cas’s face with his hands, he leaned in and pressed his lips against Cas’s. Cas brought his hands up to Dean’s wrists, holding onto them. Dean took one of his hands away from his face and moved it down to his neck. He got as close to Cas as physically possible in the tight space between the bed, wall, and drawer.

“Boys! Breakfast is almost done!” Mary shouted from the bottom of the stairs. Dean reluctantly pulled way from Cas, leaving only his hand on his neck. He took a deep breath in, staring into Cas’s eyes.

“I think I’m in love with you.” He whispered, right before there was a knock on the door.

“Breakfast is ready guys.” Sam said from the other side.

“We’ll be right down.” Dean let go of Cas’s neck and walked downstairs. Cas closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath, before heading downstairs himself. Dean was just taking a seat next to Sam. Mary was setting the food on the table while John took his seat at the head of the table.

“So Cas, are you going over to your mom’s tonight?” John asked.  
Cas grabbed a plate and a fork, setting it in front of himself, “I might. I haven’t decided yet. She said the offer was open.”

“You’re more than welcome to spend the evening with us, I hope you know that.” Mary told him.

“I know, thank you.” He smiled at her.

“I have a whole list of things for us to do tonight, it’ll work better if there are five of us, teams of two and a score keeper. We can switch out the score keeper with each game though.” Sam said.

“We’re bringing this back? C’mon. We didn’t do it last year I thought I escaped from Winchester Gaming Eve.” Dean whined as he stacked two waffles onto his plate.

“Of course we’re bringing it back! It’s our family tradition, Dean.”

“I’ll be score keeper for each round.” John said as he took a bite of waffles.

“But then you won’t play any of the games.” Sam pouted.

“That’s the point.” 

Cas felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he took it out to check what it said.

**Incoming Message**  
**From: Anna**  
** <7:30 am>**  
**Are you going to come over tonight?**

**Outgoing Message**  
**To: Anna**  
** <7:55 am>**  
**I’m not sure yet.**

**Incoming Message**  
**From: Dean**  
** <7:54 am>**  
**after we eat can we go back up to my room & talk?**

**Outgoing Message**  
**To: Dean**  
** <7:55 am>**  
**Are we really going to talk?**

**Incoming Message**  
**From: Dean**  
** <7:56 am>**  
**…yes?**

**Incoming Message**  
**From: Anna**  
** <7:56 am>**  
**You should. I need support.**

Cas put his phone back in his pocket and finished the rest of his breakfast. Sam was talking about a project that would be starting once school was back in session. Castiel’s mind was going on about whether he should go to his mother’s tonight or stay here, and what Dean still wanted to talk about. Did he mean what he said upstairs? Why would he say it if he didn’t? He would be a fool to fall for Dean a second time to only get hurt again. Maybe he should have requested another roommate at the beginning of the year.

“Castiel?” He looked up from his plate and saw Mary staring at him. Everyone had actually left the table in the time he was asking himself all these questions.

“Are you finished with your plate?” She reached her hand out to take it.

“It’s alright, I can wash dishes. You cooked, I don’t mind cleaning.” He placed his fork on his plate and stood up.

“Nonsense, you’re on break give me the plate.”

“Mary, it’s fine. I really don’t mind. And I know there are things you have to start to prepare for tonight. I can clean up.” He walked into the kitchen and began running the hot water.

“You’re an angel.” She patted his shoulder and began preparing food for tonight. Scrubbing some plates and listening to Mary hum helped keep his mind off of things for a bit, and that’s what he needed.  
+  
He decided to spend half of the night at his mom’s and half with the Winchester’s. Dinner at Hester’s started at 6 o’clock. Cas walked over to her home a little before six. His siblings were already there. Hester and Balthazar were in the kitchen getting the food ready while Anna and Michael were setting the table. According to Michael, Zeke was banned from the kitchen since he was a guest. Once dinner was served, conversation flowed easily between the family. Cas found he got along well with Zeke and could see he really liked his sister, which made him happy. Anna had been hurt in the past from old flames, he was glad she found someone who made her truly happy. The other brothers gave Zeke a hard time, but he blended in well with the family.

Once they had all finished eating they watched Hester’s favorite Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. By the time the movie was over it was after nine and Cas realized he had completely missed spending time with the Winchester’s. He said his goodbyes to his siblings, mom, and Zeke and made his way back. He saw the light was still on in the living room and when he made his way inside he saw John and Mary sat on one side of the coffee table and Sam and Dean across from them.

“Cas! You’re just on time, we’re getting ready to start LIFE!” Sam placed the spinner on the table as Cas took off his coat and hung it up. He sat down at the end of the table, between Mary and Dean.

“How many games have you guys gotten through?”

“One.” John sighed, “We just finished Sorry.”

“Just get through this one and one round of Yahtzee and then you guys can go to bed I promise!”

“Sam, can we play two rounds of Yahtzee instead and then go to bed? You boys have to be in bed early if you want Santa to bring you your presents.” Mary added in.

“This is how we make family memories though! By playing board games and being together!”

“Dude you can’t force memories, they just happen. We’re also not living in the seventies. We don’t just play board games anymore.” Dean folded up the board to LIFE and placed it back in the box.

“Three rounds of Yahtzee then bed?” Sam asked. He pulled out what Dean likes to call, the puppy dog eyes, and of course got his way. Forty minutes John was asleep with his head against the couch and Mary have won two out of the three game they played, Sam had won the last round.

“Boys go up to your rooms while I try to wake your dad. We’ll see you in the morning.” Sam nodded and grabbed the board games, putting them in the hall closet before heading upstairs.

“Night mom.” Dean said as he headed upstairs.

“Goodnight Mary.” Cas grabbed his coat and headed upstairs.

“Goodnight boys!” She waited until she heard their doors close before waking up John. She shook his shoulder until he snorted himself awake.

“Huh?” He blinked, looking around the room.

“We need to go get the presents out of your car.”

“Can’t we do it tomorrow?” He groaned and closed his eyes again.

“No, tomorrow is Christmas. The presents have to be out by tomorrow morning.” John groaned again before leaning forward and pulling himself up.

“Fine. I’ll get the ones in the car, you get the ones from the closet.” He put on his coat and grabbed his keys to unlock the car.

“How did you know there were presents in the closet?” She stood up and crossed her arms at him.

“Hun, you’re not very good at hiding them. You forget I’m taller than you I can see at the top of the shelf.” He shook his head and went outside.

Meanwhile upstairs, Sam was already asleep while Cas and Dean were in Dean’s room watching a movie. Cas somehow avoided talking to Dean earlier by sitting up in his room wrapping presents for his family and the Winchester’s. They were currently sat at the head of the bed, leaning against each other.

“Do you think Santa’s gonna get you what you wanted for Christmas?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged, “I didn’t ask for anything specific. I’m not really expecting anything. what about you? Think you’ll get everything on your list?”

“I hope so.” Dean crossed his arms across his chest.

“Do you want a blanket?” Cas asked,

“Nah I’m good, thanks though.” Cas ended up falling asleep about thirty minutes later. His head lolled against Dean’s shoulder for a good ten minutes before he actually fell asleep. Dean let him sleep until the movie ended and then he positioned him so he was laying down.

“Dean?”

“Shh, sorry I didn’t want you to sleep sitting up,” he moved off the bed and pulled the blankets up over Cas, “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning alright?”

“You don’t wanna stay in here?” Cas wrapped the blanket tighter around himself.

“I’ll let you have the bed to yourself. It’s my Christmas gift to you.” He patted him on the shoulder.  
Cas sat up and grabbed Dean’s wrist, “Stay in here.” Dean stood there for a second before he nodded and climbed back into bed with Cas. As soon as he got in Cas laid back down and curled himself against Dean.

“Cas, what are you doing?”

“Sleeping?” Cas sounded more awake now than he did two minutes ago.

“Earlier you didn’t seem as comfortable with this.” Dean moved his arm so it was around Cas now.

“I want to be happy, Dean.” Cas laid his head on Dean’s chest.

“And you think that’s with me? Like as more than just friends?”

“I don’t know yet. We can figure that out tomorrow. Let’s just sleep.” He patted Dean’s right shoulder and left his arm stretched across.

“Alright. I can work with that. Night Cas.”

“Goodnight Dean.”

 

When morning came, the house was quiet. Cas pulled his phone out from under his pillow to check the time, the screen read 6:16 A.M. He felt Dean’s arm tighten around his waist and pull him closer. He snuggled his face into the crook of Cas’s neck and sighed. For a second he thought he woke Dean up, luckily he was still asleep. He debated if he should get up or lay there until Dean woke up. He thought about what he and Dean would talk about later today. Was Dean ready for a relationship? Was Cas even ready to be in one? This would be new to the both of them. Yeah Cas had dated Jordan for a couple of months, but he didn’t want Dean to just be a couple of months.

“I can hear you thinking.” Dean grumbled. His voice was scratchy after the night of sleep. Cas turned his head to look at Dean the best he could.

“Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you up.” Dean gave a small smile and opened his eyes, blinking slowly. He pressed his lips to the back of Cas’s neck, placing a gentle kiss there.

“You alright?” Cas turned over so he and Dean were face to face. He studied him for moment, his eyes traced the curves of his cheekbones, trailing over his nose where his freckles sat.

“Stop that.”

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

Cas chuckled, "How am I looking at you?”

"You have this stupid twinkle in your eyes or something."

"So, you want me to get rid of the twinkle?"

“No,” Dean laughed and pulled Cas as close as he could, “just stop looking at me like I’m the universe."

“Maybe you're my universe." Cas brought his hand up to run his fingers through Dean’s hair.

"That was cheesy."

Cas laughed and rested his hand on Dean’s neck, “You loved it.”

"No it was fucking cheesy, Cas.”

“Fine,” Cas pulled away to lie on his back, “you’re not my universe"

"Well that hurts." Dean pouted.

“I guess you better make your mind.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Don't tell me I’m your universe and then say I’m not! Just keep it neutral." Dean sat up some so he could lean over Cas.

"Fine. Dean you are my Saturn. Better? I narrowed it down to a planet." He looked up at him, smirking.

Dean rolled his eyes and placed both of his hands on either side of Cas’s head, “Geek.” He whispered and leaned down to press their foreheads together. There was pause before Cas tilted his head up to kiss Dean. Dean shifted so his forearms and knees were resting on the mattress. Cas brought his hands up to frame Dean’s face. Dean nipped at Cas’s bottom lip, moving from his lips to his jawline, down his neck, and back up to his lips. He gave him one more slow kiss before he pressed himself back up.  
Dean took one of Cas’s hands from his face and intertwined their fingers. He looked down at Cas while he took the back of his hand to his lips, adding a couple of small kisses there as well.

“What are we going to do?” Dean asked him as he laid back down next to him.

Cas let go of Dean’s hand to run his hands down his face. He let out a sigh and shook his head, “I don’t know.” He stared up at the white ceiling. What would they do?

“Do you want this, Cas? You have to tell me now. I can’t- I don’t want to get my hopes up for something that won’t happen.”

“What do you want from me, Dean? And how long? How do I know you won’t leave if you see some girl at the bar?”

“Cas-“

“I’m scared, Dean. I don’t want to start this only to get left behind. I love you and your family too much to lose any of you.” He turned his head to look over at Dean. The sincere look in his eyes made him regret his words. But this was his family too.

“You won’t lose any of us. I promise you that. I lost you once, I do not plan on doing it again, Cas. Those 2 1/2 months without you were the worst months I have ever been through. I promise you I will never let that happen. And if it doesn’t work out between us for some reason, you will never lose us as a family. My parents and Sam love you too much to let you go over a break-up. I’m yours, Cas. For as long as you’ll have me, I’m yours.”

That’s all he needed to hear before he nodded and turned himself fully towards Dean again. Dean pulled him close and they laid there for a few minutes before they heard Sam’s door open across the hall. Dean kissed the top of Cas’s head and started to sit up, Cas followed along.

“We should probably go meet him down there before he comes barging in.” Dean reached his arms out above him to stretch before getting out of the bed.

They headed downstairs and found John already sitting in his recliner watching the news.

“Merry Christmas, Dad.” Dean patted him on the shoulder as he walked by to sit on the couch.

“You too son. Same to you, Cas.” John nodded to them. Cas took a seat on the opposite side of the couch and turned his attention to the TV.

“Is mom still asleep?”

“Yeah. I’m sure Sam will wake her up though.” Just as he said that, the two of them came down the stairs. Sam made his way to sit by the tree and Mary nudged John over to sit next to him. Sam took on the job passing out presents. He made sure everyone opened his gift to them first. Since he took up a job shoveling snow for some of the neighbors and house sitting he earned some money and was eager to buy his family presents. His mom a new necklace, he got John a leather jacket, a record player for Dean, and a collector’s edition art piece of Cas’s favorite book series.

Being with the Winchesters for Christmas really made Cas realize what family truly is. He’ll always have his siblings and his mom. But being with the Winchesters was a new definition of family. The kind who bought each other meaningful gifts, and the stocking stuffers were always body soap and bags of candy.

Now, he and Dean were officially starting something together. And even if they didn’t mention it on that day, or a week later when they left to go back to school, they knew they had nothing but support from their families now. That’s all that really mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um.. hi? Sorry for the nearly YEAR long hiatus. This chapter has been such an issue, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with it and even posting it i'm not 100% satisfied. But I really wanted to get it out. I know it almost seems like the end of the fic but it's not! The next chapter will take place probably a couple months afterwards. I just need to skip forward some. I'll be sure to put a timestamp on it :)  
> in other news if you're wondering what iI've been up to, I attended VegasCon 2016, graduated college, turned 18, and got a tattoo. Reminder you can keep up with me and bug me about updating on twitter (enchantedmisha) and tumblr (partylikeits-1989)  
> Love you guys and thanks for sticking with this story.


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